Brand New AU Hospital Opens Doors
Tired of playing second fiddle to Georgetown and George Washington’s hospitals, American University announced today that the brand new AU Hospital was officially open for business.
“This is a very proud day for me, erm, I mean, our university,” said AU President Neil Kerwin, speaking at the ribbon-cutting ceremony. “Years from now, people will look back on this press conference and say to themselves, “Damn, that guy who’s talking right now just looks awesome in that suit. I want to be him.”
The hospital is currently staffed by 65 cross-cultural facilitators, 24 translators who speak 18 different languages, 15 environmental consultants and 2 pre-med students – all of whom are white.
“What the hell was I thinking?” asked haggard bio major John Wasserman, one of two people who actually know anything about medicine that work at the hospital. “I’m in so far over my head right now.“
“Earlier this morning, we had a patient with blood gushing out of his ears, and the attending I.R. major was asking the patient if he knew that 75% of communication was non-verbal, and thus his ears were pretty much useless,” said Wasserman. “I put some sutures on the cut in his ear and slapped the I.R. kid across the face.”
According to sources, the hospital’s cafeteria serves chicken tenders and nothing else.
The hospital building has also achieved the coveted LEED-Gold Certification for environmental friendliness. Special troughs run through the hallways of the hospital, collecting and recycling bodily fluids from the patients and using them to water the building’s elaborate roof peace garden.
“We’re also re-using all of our needles at AU Hospital,” said Sarah Wexman-Shendlerworth, head of the hospital’s sustainability committee. “It’s just a total waste to throw those out after a single use.”
The hospital also features a special “New Jersey Wing,” where a professional staff of Jersey-ites assists patients with important issues, such as debating which part of Jersey is the best.
The hospital also announced today that they expect to carry over most of the staff and practices from the university’s Health Center.
“For those of you had become accustomed to a utter lack of helpfulness, ludicrously expensive medicine and a surprisingly good selection of free contraception – you can find all that at AU Hospital,” said a health center representative.
“…So that’s why I always use conditioner on my luxurious mane,” said Kerwin, concluding his remarks after roughly 90 minutes. “I’ll be available to sign glamour shots until 6.”
**Please note: there is not really an AU hospital included in the campus plan. This piece is satire.
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