FBS: The Grind

Alvimann/Morguefile.com

These days, dancing at clubs is just glorified pseudo sex. It’s a mass of collective of writhing, sweaty bodies on the prowl for love, sex and an adrenaline rush. And trust me, I’m the last person to condemn a good adrenaline rush, but the particular type of dancer I’m discussing leaves far too little to the imagination when putting moves to music.

Forgive me if I sound like your mother here but, whatever happened to dancing without thrusting your genitalia onto someone else’s? I mean, does anyone out there actually enjoy being humped by a stranger (yes, even a hot one) on the dance floor? I don’t know about you, but I like my backside to remain unmolested when I’m rocking out to my favorite song.

I remember being a freshman and dreading the whole “dance orgy” experience that seemed inevitable when I went out clubbing. I loved to dance with my girlfriends but I rarely enjoyed dancing with the guys because they were always so overzealous. It left me feeling more “felt up” than anything else. Not a pleasant experience. But when it comes down to it, neither gender can accept sole blame. For every overexcited guy there is always an eager to please girl ready to give him her best impression of a rap video vixen. The whole system is self reinforcing.

I think two people humping one another in a frenzy of movements which can only be described as quasi-copulation – while dancing IN PUBLIC – is cheesy.

Sorry, Bumpers and Grinders of the jury, I’ve just never been a fan.

dave/ morguefile.com

Allow me to convince you. Let’s weigh the pros and cons of simulating sexual activity through dance, shall we?

CONS:

1. Unless you’re one of that rare breed with legit dance skills, you will look uncoordinated to anyone who isn’t drunk (and possibly many who are).

2. If you’re female, you risk looking like a skank. If you’re male, you risk looking like a tool-bag. “skank” and “tool-bag” = not good things to be. Moving on…

3. Unless you’re totally ok with that hiring rep from Goldman Sachs seeing your drunken attempt to “get low” I’d refrain from doing it all; because someone is definitely going to take your picture. Believe me on this one, there are always pictures….

4. Dancing like you’re a red-light district reject can really take it’s toll physically. The most obvious downside is that you get sweaty and ruin your clothes and makeup for the rest of the night. And if you’re a guy, think “pit stains”. Yeah, have fun hooking up later when the smell of one another makes you both want to yak. Sexy.

5. You may actually hurt yourself in the process. Let’s face it, if some girl across the room is getting mad attention for her stellar moves, you’re going to want a piece of that action. Cue the embarrassing “oh-look-that-girl-is-trying-to-be-hot-by-grinding-on-that-guy-but-just-fell-and-busted-her-ass-instead” comments. Yeah, and even if you aren’t drunk, you can still get pulled down by a drunk friend, literally (yes, this recently happened to me).

6. It can be creepy if the wrong person starts to grind on you. So allow me to offer a hint to the subtlety-blind male: when you start dancing with a girl and her friends immediately form a gigantic cluster to separate her from you, then start dancing around her, that usually means you’re creepy. Just sayin’…

Ok moving on to the PROS:

1. It’s fun when you’re in a certain state of mind.

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Yeah. That’s about it.

I know there are probably throngs of people just raring to disagree with my dislike of grinding. So I’d like clarify that here I am discussing obscene dancing, not dancing in general – not even “sexy” dancing, really. I’m all about dancing, let’s just save the hook-ups for the bedroom.

And much thanks to George Machado for collaborating with me on this topic.

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Suzette Elizabeth Lake writes mainly for her personal blog FavoriteBirdSpeaks (affectionately referred to as FBS) and contributes weekly to The Incubator blog Dating in The District (DITD).

To anonymously submit a dating related question to Suzette’s advice column, Ask Suzette, please email her at SLake@theeagleonline.com. All personal information will be kept confidential.