The Naked Roommate: A Spatially Transmitted Disease
Imagine you’ve just walked back to your room after a long day of class. You’re tired and stressed out, and all you want is a little time to relax – just an hour or so to unwind from your day. Just as you get settled in watching the latest episode of 30 Rock on Hulu, your roommate emerges from the bathroom: naked.
“Maybe she just took a shower and forgot to bring a towel in with her”, you naïvely think to yourself. “I’m sure she’s going to grab one in a second…”
But she doesn’t. In fact, she starts blow drying her hair, putting on makeup and picking out her outfit while walking around completely naked. Your thoughts get a little panicky.
“Well, maybe she’s one of those people who likes to get dressed immediately after showering – no towel involved. Yeah. Probably just one of those people. I’m sure she’ll put something on soon…”
But she doesn’t. Even after she’s finished blow-drying, applying make-up and coordinating outfits, she’s still naked. You have no idea what to do. A million questions run through your mind:
“Do I look at her when she speaks to me, or is that weird?”
“If I don’t look will she be offended that I find her nudity disconcerting? If I do look, will she think I’m a perv?”
“Is it weird of me to think this is weird?”
“Why is she doing this to me? She’s got to know how uncomfortable she’s making me.”
“What the hell is wrong with her?!? This is ridiculous. Now she’s bending over to rearrange her shoes, oh god oh god oh god….”
Congratulations. You’ve just become a victim of The Naked Roommate. TNR is a serious condition that affects approximately 72% of college students today. One study found that you have a 1 in 4 chance of contracting TNR in a typical college housing lottery. But take heart in these trying times and remember that you are not alone. There are others like you.
Almost every person I know who’s ever gone pot-luck in a housing lottery has a TNR story to tell. It’s a much more common occurrence than you might think. You go away to school, get a room assignment, then meet your new – and seemingly normal – roommate, only to later discover how ridiculously not normal s/he really is. But by this time it’s too late, you’re stuck with Nudie McNudestien until the housing freeze ends. And let me tell you, two-weeks-after-classes-begin is a helluva long time to wait when your eyes are being molested 24/7 by The Nude Wonder – compliments of Housing and Dining.
TNR’s nudity is usually unexpected, often random, and always disturbing. I don’t care how hardcore you think you are – seeing your new roommate try to paint her toenails in the nude is an experience that you will never forget. That image will remain burned into your mind for years to come. So take precautions, Young Grasshopper. Request to room with someone you know or try to get a place off-campus. Do whatever you have to do in order to protect yourself – and remember, much like some STDs that run rampant on college campuses, a bad case of TNR can stay with you for life.
Posted in Dating in the District