Portrait of A College Male
I have taken the liberty of succinctly organizing four of the various “types” of males you may encounter on any given college campus – for your convenience, of course. And although this list is obviously intentionally riddled with generalizations (for humor’s sake) and should by no means be misconstrued as all-inclusive, I do feel it has a certain experiential truth to it, and I hope you all enjoy.
1. Mr. Frat-tastic
Party party party.
Drink drink drink.
These are the mating calls of the wild Fratus FanTasticus. He’s super fun in the beginning and life is like one endless party – or a Cohen Brothers film. You’re loving all the themed socials, off-location formals, and insider privileges that come with dating a brother.
But after a little time passes the glam starts to wear off. After the initial Honeymoon Phase you’ll start to notice that he’s not actually boyfriend material. There are no nice dates or dinners out with this frat-focused bro.
“Why can’t we just stay at the frat house, rage with the guys, then hit up a kegger?”
“What’s the big deal about valentines day?…let’s just get some Raspberry flavored Four Lokos and eat some chocolate or something…”
He’s a boy with no plan, no class, and no clue. If you’re cool with on-campus-only activities until graduation then by all means, hit it up. But if you’ve a taste for higher society, I’d suggest you stay far away from this one.
2. Sir Sleaze-a-lot
Not actually a “Sir” at all, but more like a consummate liar and womanizer. Sleaze-a-lot talks a big talk and never follows through on the things he promises. He’s a bed-post notcher for life, and will eventually find himself washed up on the shores of middle age without a significant other by his side or any concept of how to actually “date” someone without trying to coerce them into sleeping with him.
These are the adolescent versions of those cheesy old men who troll skaggy night clubs trying to sleep with women half their age – making a career out of getting turned down in the process. Think “Night at the Roxbury” and you’ve got a pretty accurate picture.
3. Clarence McClingstien
McClingstien really lives up to his name. He falls in love faster than a mail-order bride and clings to your leg like an orphan with polio. He’s willing to do anything and everything to keep you by his side, and there’s virtually nothing you can do to make him go away.
Initially, his constant doting is flattering – it may even make you feel kind of nice. Then it keeps on coming, getting more and more intense as time wears on. He seems to think that 15 + unanswered text messages = true love.
He’ll continue to slip notes under your door, keep track of your daily whereabouts and off-campus movements, and basically semi-stalk you until he finds some other poor soul to whom he can attach himself.
McClingstien has got multiple “mommy issues” and he definitely can’t take the hint. The best advice I can give you on this one is to cut the cord and RUN.
4. John “The Right Choice” Doe
“Wow” – that’s all you can manage to say after meeting him. His calm confidence, considerate nature, social charisma and gentlemanly ways had you in the first five minutes.
He differentiates himself from the douchey masses with his natural tendency to encompass every quality you’ve ever looked for in a man; and he’s down-to-Earth to boot.
He’s intelligent, charming, respectful and interesting. It’s like meeting a male version of yourself – or a perfect compliment to your own opposing nature – with whom you want to both hang out and hook-up. His company feels like a breath of fresh air in a jungle of tool-baggery; and you’re both excited to see where this might go.
It’s a win-win for everyone involved. And this kind of guy, ladies and gents, is exactly what we deserve.
Posted in Dating in the District