Being Direct: When Things Don’t Work Themselves Out

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When is it reasonable for us to expect another person to just “get it” that we’re no longer interested in them, and when are we socially required to make a direct statement of disinterest to set things straight? Chances are you’ve all been on both sides of this sticky situation: two people meet and toy around with the idea of dating. Then one realizes s/he is no longer interested and has to find a way to communicate this to the other.

I used to think there was a cut-and-dry solution to this. If no actual dates have occurred, all it requires is not picking up the phone/answering texts/etc. If there’s been one date, you might need to keep talking to the person while refusing to go on another date or participate in any non-platonic (or one-on-one) activities to get your point across. And, obviously, if the situation has escalated to involve sex then a direct statement is required – although this is a rule few people actually follow. As I said before, I used to think the above guidelines were good. Now, I am beginning to question…

Those rules seem like an easy way to judge your actions on the dating scene, but you may find, as I did, that this ease-of-use changes depending on which side you’re on. When I am the disinterested party I find it completely incomprehensible that the person I am trying to ditch doesn’t grasp my subtle hints.

“Hello, I didn’t pick up the phone ONCE when you called. Do you get it yet?”

I tend to think that subtlety is more than sufficient for my purposes, as long as I’m doing the rejecting; but my song changes when I am – or suspect I am – on the flipside.

CLARITA/MORGUEFILE.COM

When someone blows me off I sometimes have a hard time deciphering his/her actions. Often it’s obvious: they never pick up the phone when I call or maybe they make specific plans with me and then never show up.

Sometimes it’s just not that clear – especially if any substantial amount of emotion is involved. When I’m the one being rejected I tend to want something solid to give me closure. Hints just aren’t enough. I want you to tell me, point-blank.

This, of course, brings to light the obvious hypocrisy in my own behavior. I expect from others that which I am not always capable of doing myself. So when are non-confrontational subtleties really acceptable, and when is a more direct approach required? Essentially, what I’m asking is: What should we do when things don’t work themselves out?