War, What is it Good For?

I was in Girl Scouts for a majority of my childhood. I had the little brown sash and the little green vest with all of my badges for the good deeds that I had done. I sang the “Make New Friends but Keep the Old Song.” I helped little old ladies across the street.

Not that I was a perfect model child or anything. I often became bored during the meetings and deplored our boring lessons about how to cross the street. And snack time was certainly my favorite part. Except, of course, for the cookies. Those infamous cookies. All of the sudden they pop up out of no where and cute children accost outside of your supermarket, using their big eyes and bouncy pigtails to convince you that you must simply buy a box of Thin Mints, Tagalongs, or Do-si-dos. I actually never did sit outside of that supermarket. My family preferred to eat all of the cookies instead of sell them, but that’s beside the point.

And so, I was simply aghast when my friend came bopping into my room the other day with a Girl Scout cookie in hand (of course accompanied by a cheerful smile and happy tummy).

Meredith Medoway/The Eagle

“Tagalong?” I asked with that kind of “I know exactly how much you’re enjoying that cookie and while I’m happy for you, I’m also jealous and might steal it from you” face. You know the one.

But instead of the expected response of utter glee, I received a face full of confusion. “Ummm… Peanut Butter Pattie?”
And then my world came crashing down. In the next five minutes everything I knew to be good and true became a jumbled mess of dashed childhood memories and monotonous cookie-box labels.

So, apparently, there are, or were, two different companies that make Girl Scout cookies: Little Brownie Bakers and ABC Bakers. ABC Bakers have taken over. But the conflict runs far deeper with a melodramatic acquisition. Behind the cute pigtails and bright smiles lie evil little girls that will do anything to sell the most cookies.

Sadly, I’m being completely serious here. The reason for the homogenization of the cookies has its routes in their being too much competition to sell cookies. Apparently, there were “cookie wars” involving Girl Scouts starting in the fall—instead of January—to sell the cookies, and also reducing the price to encourage buyers.

As a result, there had to be a crackdown. A new Girl Scout council, consisting of 327 merged councils (recently reduced to 109 to combine resources), chose ABC Bakers over Little Brownie Bakers after a mandate from Girl Scouts USA. The national headquarters, based in New York, had finally had enough with the cookie-war-craziness. They ordered that all cookies be sold at the same time and for the same price ($3.50 per box).

Thus, the once beautifully named treats now boast bland monikers that hold no creativity. For those of you that go by the Little Brownie Baker’s titles, here’s the scoop: Tagalongs are now Peanut Butter Patties, Do-si-dos are Peanut Butter Sandwiches, Trefoils are Shortbreads, Samoas are Caramel DeLites, and Lemon Chalet Cremes are now Lemonades. The only label left unscathed is the Thin Mint. My head is whirling with all of the unfettered imagination.

Unfortunately, it looks like these names are here to stay. But, in my heart, I will always be eating a Tagalong and not some boring Peanut Butter Pattie. Take that, ABC Bakers!